You Can't Hide Something That's Not There

I

This horoscope has haunted me for months so I thought if I could write about it I may be able to loosen its' grip on me. It so jarred my senses I was compelled to tear it out. I've been using it as a bookmark. I've read it dozens of times always bringing me back to the horrific realization that I'm empty. This damn horrific horoscope is right. It is embarrassing and I've spent most of my life trying to hide what isn't there.

This empty feeling must stem from my feelings of inadequacy, that I am lacking some essential human ingredient. This started when I was young when I realized I was the last kid in class who still couldn't read. I was able to hide that important little piece of information until the end of sixth grade. I wet the bed. A lot. Not such an easy thing to hide. I was emotionally challenged. At least that's what they called it. In seventh grade we were watching the movie Brian's Song. A sad enough movie on its own, but the theme song my sister used to be able to play on the piano so I cried so hard the teacher pulled me out and sent me to the nurses office. I remember just leaving the school and walking home. But it was way too far to walk so when I finally got home that evening my mom was worried sick.

Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than the open display of grief. I've spent a lot of time trying to hide it. It is definitely there. It doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it. You create a huge empty space inside and drop it in. Then you burry it. 

You cover it with all the joy life has to offer. You learn to read. You find joy in reading. You learn how to learn and actually get a few good grades. You play sports. You excel! You drink. You smoke. You party like a rockstar. You find God. You find love. You love and in return create life that offers more Love and Joy than you ever thought existed. You work. You grow old. 

Then grief comes back into your life. There is no empty space left in which to drop it. It sits right on top. You try to hide it. Avoid it. Forget it. You run from it and in doing so your life starts to fall apart. Joy becomes inaccessible. Emptiness starts to sounds like a good idea. No pain. No hurt. No sorrow. No grief. You start to deny the life that is full. You start to hide what is not even there. 

You read a silly horror-scope and it makes you whole again.