Sorry Dad

Looks like this is my 200th post and I still don't know what I am trying to say. I'm sorry, the last couple letters to you have been a little unfair as you died nearly thirteen years ago. It's unfair because as I write them I sort of intuit your response to my prose and tho I look like you I know I will never be you. You never were predicable. In fact, you surprised me all the time with your reactions and responses to me and my situations and actions. I always thought I knew how you were going to react or respond, but rarely was I right. 

I see a lot of me in Kayla. She is always harder on herself than I would ever be. I think that was the way it was with you and me too. I always wanted to be great for you. I always wanted to win. To be the best. And now as I look back and hear what you were saying to me and see how you were when with me, you only wanted me to be me. The me I wanted to be. I wish now that I knew this then, but I didn't know who I was. I know more than anything you and mom just wanted me to be happy, so that is the one thing I always tried to show you I was. Unfortunately, it's the one thing that never came easy to me. To this day I struggle with being happy. I'm really good at looking really happy, but the people who really get to know me always seam to worry about me. Fortunately I've figured it out. 

You cannot try to be happy. You cannot seek happiness. If you do you will never find it. It's a lot like love. You have to learn to let it happen. You have to be good with yourself when it doesn't. You must learn to be OK when it isn't. You must give love when you are not getting it. You must allow joy to follow sorrow. You must welcome happiness even when you are sad. I have learned to get out of the way and let it happen. I forgive myself more easily and when I do I accept my apologies and live on. Life. Thank you for mine.

As this is my 200th post I may be taking some time before I post again. I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever got here I would take the time to go back and clean this puppy up. It's a little scary, but I plan to go back to the beginning and edit DDD. I hope it to be a labor of love. I'll let you know when I am done. I'll let you know when I am happy happy!