Fear dad

Dear dad, fear’s the thing, I was afraid of loosing you. You were always so brave. Brave enough for all of us. Always. I know you had plenty to worry about and had your fears, but you had courage. Real courage. You always knew things were going to work out. That things were going to be ok. Even when it wasn’t. 

I’m afraid. Mostly afraid of being afraid. I’ve told the kids a couple of times that nothing scares me. I’m not ticklish and nothing scares me. That was you dad. More than anything I want to be brave for them. Like you were for us. 

Nothing takes more courage than facing the one thing in life that is sure. It will end. While you were dieing I wasn’t willing to face this truth. When Carol died I avoided this truth with passion. 

When you died I wasn’t there. I was home with Suzy and she was about to have Chloe. I was so scared. Terrified. I wish I were there. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. The time after you died and before Chloe was born is anathema to what I’m trying to say. It all worked out. I was ok. Even tho I wasn’t. But I had to be. 

If I could actually talk with you right now I would tell you how grateful I am to be your son. You were as imperfect as I am as a father, but the legacy you’ve left in me burns bright. Fatherhood. For better or worse I am trying as hard as you did to be a good dad. 

Hope. Hope born of love. That’s what you gave us. That’s what you gave me. Something to truly believe in. That life is worth living. That no matter how bad it gets things will eventually get better. No matter how rotten life gets it is always worth fighting for. You always helped me focus on what was possible. Hope for a better tomorrow will always make anything possible. I think of all you went through in your life. The incredible highs and the incredible lows and through it all you lived in the moment and looked forward to what was next. Life. 

I’ve come back to add a few words. I left some things out. When you died I was very sad, I grieved. I was so worried about Suzy being so pregnant and Kayla being so young and missing your funeral back in Maryland. I woke up Thursday morning and I was wreck. Literally a nervous wreck. I was still working. Selling groceries to restaurants for commission. I had to keep working so I could take a week off after Chloe was born. I woke up really early to go to men’s fraternity at my church. I know. I almost skipped it, but knew I need help. I needed something. I shared what I was going through with a bunch of older men at our table. Good men. Wise men. Holy men. At the end of the gathering they put their hands on me and our pasture lead the whole gathering in a prayer for me. It was powerful. Literally a miraculous experience. Allgram was his name. His words washed over me. He asked God to take away from me my troubles. He instructed me to trust in God to put me where He wanted me to be. As we prayed the words melted away and waves of comfort washed over me. Like water, Love, flowed around me. Through me. A baptism of Spirit. I was healed. Made well. You were there. I left that morning a different person. A man. I spent the day arranging my affairs. Freeing myself for what was about to happen. 

That night Chloe’s journey into this world would begin. Suzy was amazing. Kayla too. They were so brave. Kayla was so mad when our friends came to take her away. Suzy walked herself up to maternity while Kayla and I parked the car. We hurried but never did catch up to her. Suzy labored through the night and into the morning. Shortly after Suzy’s mother made it to us from St. Paul Chloe was born. I was so happy. I was in Love. I knew You were there too. You were so proud of us. The next day I would attend your funeral and share this happiness and Love with our family and friends. The following day I would return home to bring Suzy and Chloe home from the hospital. I was truly grateful. I am truly grateful. For Love. For life. Existence. Being. Life.

I think therefore I am. I love therefore I live.