No words

The Grand Canyon with the fam

The last two days have J been wonderful visiting the Grand Canyon with the fam!

Dear Dad

Wanted to share a picture of my visit with Mom this week. She doing really well and your Big Buddy is taking such good care of her. He got her a new bed and it has been really good for both her body and mind. I know you have always been proud of him, but you’d be really proud of the man he has become. I think you were always harder on him than you were on me. And I also think he softened your heart and allowed us to have such a closer relationship. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, who am I to judge, other than one who loves both of you more than these little words can say. Anyway I thank God for my big brother and thank you too.

Will you ever be happy

When I find myself posting and writing and creating about something it is usually a sign I find I am trying to fill some apparent void in myself. My previous post here on DDD and in Truth Is and in I Pray and elsewhere in Social Media all appear to be the case. An obvious attempt to cheer myself up or fill this void of unhappiness I find myself in.
Had another particularly bad day of work today. I tried not venting to my wife tonight as I see how negatively this has been affecting her, but I failed. She asked me, “Do you think you will ever be happy again?” Heartbroken I responded in one of my recent Mematic creations, “I believe in the possibility of happiness.” Pretty sad. Pathetic actually. Not sure I even know what happiness is anymore. She said that’s all she really wants is for me to be happy. Unfortunately that puts me in the position of not being able to give the woman I love the only thing she really wants.
Being happy is maybe not all that it’s cracked up to be. I think it more of a response to positive stimulus than an actual state of emotion. Maybe if I start focusing on the joy I feel inside of me I may start to at least start looking happier for her and the girls. Maybe if I start focusing on being grateful for all the love around me and start being a little more optimistic my attitude may improve and I won’t continue to look so unhappy. Because when you have a lot people counting on you looking a little happier is not too much to ask. Is it?
Maybe it’s time to actually write Sad Mad Bad Dad instead of just being one. Maybe write the kids version first drawing from my own personal experience growing up during the demise of DDD. The follow up with the adult version drawing from the experience of me pull my head out of my own ass once again.
Sounds like a plan to me.
AK

Believe in Happiness

The Colorado Zephyr

Last night on our drive home from Denver we past the California Zephyr Train just past Glenwood Springs. It was a special moment. Driving 80 miles an hour slowly overtaking the classic silver locomotive. It was dark but the windows of the train were all lit up. It was surreal ridding alongside the Silver Bullet. My daughters shared a story about their train ride from New York to Boston. Talked about napping on the train as they traveled through the rain and snow. Said it was the best possible way to travel. It was a fitting ending to our weekend adventure visiting family and friends in Denver.. It's memories like theses that make all the struggle traveling moore worth it.  

What Mom Said

Seeing Mom was great. She struggles with severe short-term memory loss and gets really confused, but she knows who she is and recognizes me. The idea of not being able to make new memories terrifies me, But this is a happy post so I will not dwell in the negative. My mom is happy. She had spent her entire life being happy happy. It’s something she would always say. Even named the boat Happy Happy, I sorta liked it, J hated it.

Anyway she’s happy.

I saw her Tuesday and Wednesday and it is now Saturday. I spent a lot of time in the solitude of traveling alone. Thought a lot about what she said. Thought a lot about everything. I been working on becoming more mindful. Being present. Being engaged. And I realized my mom had been focused and engaged. She listened to everything I’d said and wouldn’t remember any of it. Tomorrow she will not remember I was there. When we are talking about something she remembers she is completely engaged. When talking about tomorrow she concentrates and starts getting confused. So I let her drive the conversation and it went well. She talked about her and Dad watching all my sports games. She told me how proud my father was about what a special athlete and student I was. And how he so loved our wedding and he told her it was like being in Heaven. Or what he hoped Heaven would be like. It was great to hear. 

She said how much love and happiness I had brought into the family. She said she would not have known what to do whiteout me showing her how to move on with life after Karen died. I said no Mom it was you and Dad who helped us live on. The agenda was life and you and Dad lived it. And what a good life it is. She said you sound like your father. I told her people think I look like him. She said he had more hair.

She is in the moment and that is enough. 

Happy Dance

Blessed to have visited Mom twice this past week.

The first visit was just before lunch and the second a day later in the evening. During the second visit she started getting agitated because she could not remember anything from my previous visit. I told her to relax and not worry about it. I asked her to talk about something she did remember and she said, "I remember you were one of the most daring athletes in the world!" I said you must be remembering Dad? And she said, "No, he's the one who said it about you. After one of your games he said to me you are the most daring athletes he has ever seen on the football field." Wow. What else did he say about me? "He said he was afraid for you, not that you would get hurt, but that you would kill someone and he knew that would haunt you. He said you were fierce. He said you played best when someone made you angry. He would say Honey watch now because your son is about to unleash some rage. Whenever he would say this you would always do something spectacular."

I am grateful to be here

Been thinking of another chapter in my newest book inspired by you. Champion. It's based the idea that gratitude can change your attitude. I've already covered winning is good (playing the game).Team building with heart and Soul. There is an I in win and there is a me in team.

The new chapter, being grateful, is to be full of great.