some recent photos

Good good times!

Loving the pano. 

DDD recent pics

Inspired morning

Mostly I don't have the guts to post when inspiration strikes. This morning I felt able to turn the page.

Ash Wednesday

Suzy's Grandmother died yesterday. Baba, my daughters' great grandmother was 94. I lit a candle for her this morning after Mass this morning at IHM. I sat with Mary and her class and watched Kayla and Chloe through the open atrium space of the church. Ash Wednesday and only my second communion. I just may be the luckiest man alive.

After church I took the pack for a walk. When I got home I had to pass several certification exams online to qualify to take two State Licensing exams. By the grace of God I passed my Property and Casualty Insurance Producers exams tonight. Saturday I take Life and Health. Hopefully Monday I will start my new career as a full personal lines insurance producer. It's very exciting. A little scary too.

In loving memory of Baba. 

Father Daughter Dance HFCS 2015

Valentine Day 2015!

Walking the dogs

Walking the dogs lately has been a joy. With been walking the hills below the Bookcliffs by the airport. So beautiful had to share with the people in my life.

Jesus Emmanuel Christ

God is with us. Mary was told to name him Emmanuel. You know the story. We hear it every Christmas, "and the angel said you will call him Emmanuel (which means God is with us)" but then why do we call him Jesus? Since I was a kid this bothered me. Recently so many things that have troubled my hardened heart have lost their hold and I see and hear the answer so clearly. He is. His love has softened my heart. Jesus Emmanuel Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe in Him. I believe in Love.

I have put myself though hell

When you're lost and find yourself in hell don't stop and ask for directions. Just keep moving. Follow your heart. Love. Have faith. Look for the light and keep moving towards it. Put the darkness behind you. 

Through my weakness God has shone me his strength. Through my failure I have seen His victory. Here in my condimnation I feel His grace. In my grief, sorrow and shame I finally feel His love.

Jesus Emmanuel Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe in Him. The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit are with me. I know He loves me. I am a child of God. I am filled with the love of my Father. I am a new man. amen 

I am that, I am

The Love of My Father

I was reading the Bible and my Father spoke me. Beyond the words I was reading He spoke to me. In my heart I heard what he was saying all my life. He loved me. Reading the story of the Prodigal Son in the Book of Mark something wonderful happened. Something opened in me that I had not known  was closed. Something softened in me that I had not known was hard. I knew the parable well. Almost skipped it as I knew it so well after hearing the parable and reading it countless times. My first thought was there is no going home for me. I am home. My Father is dead. I am the father now. But I read. And then I read it again and could not stop the tears. Our Father loves me more than I ever had imagined possible. And nothing that I have ever done or will ever do will change that.

The parables of Jesus should not be taken lightly. This changes everything.

I now know there is love that is undeserved and unmerited. God's love. I spent my whole life trying to earn my Father's love. Even after his death I continue to work and achieve and excel and win in order to deserve the love He gave me. My Dad told me he loved me every day of my life. I thought it was because of all the wonderful things I did and accomplished. The trophies I brought home. The awards I brought home. The championships I had won. The scholarship I had earned and the degrees I had achieved. The things I did for him and Mom.

But when I failed or lost or shamed myself and our family he was always there for me. When I wrecked his brand new Cadillac on a joy ride downtown he told me it was only a car and that what mattered most was that I was alright and that I had come home to him. And when I was beaten by the police and arrested he believed in me.

This blog has been a journey. I started this blog because I love my DDD so much. I wanted to honor him. Not let his story fade to nothing. To remember him. To do something for him. To show him that I loved him. To merit his love. To try and earn what he had always given me for free.

This blog is no longer about how much I loved him. It is now about how much He loves me.

The Bergdahl Flag

The Bergdahl Flag

My nephew Brandon sent us a flag from Afghanistan in gratitude for our support. We had sent some care packages and to his FB page I posted a song I had written and tried to sing. I had been inspired by a short Facetime call from Afghanistan while I was visiting his mom my sister Carol. She was fighting cancer. We were at the dinner table when his wife handed me her iPhone and there he was, "Hi Uncle Andy!" There was a plywood wall behind him. It was very early in morning there he gets up an hour early so every morning on Facetime he can make his three year old daughter laugh. 

"Hi Brandon." What do you say to man in a war zone? I said he looked great which he did and then asked what it was like there in Afghanistan? He said it's not so bad. Boring mostly. I asked what he was doing there? "Tearing it down Uncle Andy we 're tearing it all down." Before he could expand on this his daughter snatched the phone from me and ran from the table screaming ! Squealing maybe's a better word. I sat there a long time thinking hard on all the things I wish I had said to him. What I should have said to him. Not too long later his daughter came running back into the room with the phone and I thought I might get my chance but the phone was delivered to his mom. My sister pulls off her glasses and looks deep into the screen. No words just a long evaluative look at her beloved son for several seconds and then she lipped I love you and flashed the sign language sign for the same. The phone was delivered back to his wife and I was lost in the moment. In awe of her and him and their bravery and love and all that is great with America. At that moment I was so proud of my America I wanted to sing it out loud I wanted to sing about my Country I was American proud. 

First time in a long while. So I wrote it down. One morning I heard excerpts from President Obama's commencement speech at the Naval Academy, the most demotivational speech I'd ever heard. I wondered how our warriors in the field would feel hearing this nonsense from their commander and chief. I felt so strongly about it that I decided to at least do something for the one person I actually knew in a war zone so I went down by the River sang it and embarrassingly posted it to his FB. He said he loved it. If it was up to him he'd give it a Grammy. Said he showed it to everybody on base and that it had made his day. Months later he texted me he was sending us something in the mail and to look for it in the next few weeks.

Recently at his mothers funeral we where finally able to sit and talk and he asked if I knew the story of the flag they had sent me. I told the truth that I knew nothing. He got very excited and said that is a very special mission flag . 

I again asked him what he did there and he said it wasn't an official position but he was a mission facilitator and when teams where coming in and out he was responsible for everything from clearing the runway to getting them everything they needed to clear them for departure. He said one night was peculiar and unique and it was all Special Forces and by the end of the day it was known that the mission he had facilitated was the Bergdahl prisoner exchange. 

Being an infamous mission the mission flag was highly desired and many had submitted requests for it. Brandon said his Major settled all argument by saying send it to Brandon's Uncle. Said I may understand the significance of the mission. Said he really liked the song. Everybody liked it. It was from home.

So humbled so grateful so honored.

http://youtu.be/daRgueSQcOw?list=UU-IqOgasUgFSTc1kGV0I4GQ