Dear Dad,

Been quite some time since I’ve written you a letter. Sorta feel like you read everything I write anyways and maybe the reason I blog so much. Did you see the latest book I published? Kinda out there I know, but I’m really proud of it. Maybe the most authentic thing I’ve written to date. Not much much of a market for it I’m afraid, but thankfully that’s not why I wrote it. Anyway I was inspired to write you because I’ve just done something I wanted to share with you. I helped someone deal with a problem both you and I share. A stranger in a group I follow asked for advise on dealing with anger and rage. This is what I said, “ I get it. Serious anger and rage issues here my friend. A wise councilor shared something that changed everything for me. There are two root causes of anger and rage: Sadness and Guilt. Sadness or grief make you feel helpless so we turn it into anger because anger is empowering. What can you do with sadness? Cry? But anger you can do something with, self righteous anger especially and grow it into to rage and you really can get some things done. Usually what we do with anger turns bad resulting in guilt. Turning our anger on ourselves resulting in more guilt and sadness. So don’t focus on letting go of the anger. Work on resolving the sadness, grief and pain in your life. Happy people are seldom angry. Dealing with my grief was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but the most rewarding thing I do.”
I hope it was helpful.
It’s my birthday today. I’m 54 years old. Hard to believe. Your Bitty-buddy is middle aged. My body feels every one of those years, but my heart and mind feel good. I got to play golf today with some good friends. My family, our family, well I’m just the most blessed man on the face of the earth and I try to describe our last few days, weeks, months together I would surely cry. Kayla’s graduating Valedictorian of her class and the way she’s dealing with this COVID-19 situation is amazing. Her prom is canceled, her Senior golf season canceled, IB testing canceled, graduation probably canceled and she’s taking it so well. Mary and Chloe are really missing school and their friends, but the three of them together appear to be able to handle anything. Suzy is the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. I love our family so much and credit you with my capacity to do so. I miss you Dad. Thank you for being here.
Love,
A

No words

The Grand Canyon with the fam

The last two days have J been wonderful visiting the Grand Canyon with the fam!

Dear Dad

Wanted to share a picture of my visit with Mom this week. She doing really well and your Big Buddy is taking such good care of her. He got her a new bed and it has been really good for both her body and mind. I know you have always been proud of him, but you’d be really proud of the man he has become. I think you were always harder on him than you were on me. And I also think he softened your heart and allowed us to have such a closer relationship. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, who am I to judge, other than one who loves both of you more than these little words can say. Anyway I thank God for my big brother and thank you too.

Will you ever be happy

When I find myself posting and writing and creating about something it is usually a sign I find I am trying to fill some apparent void in myself. My previous post here on DDD and in Truth Is and in I Pray and elsewhere in Social Media all appear to be the case. An obvious attempt to cheer myself up or fill this void of unhappiness I find myself in.
Had another particularly bad day of work today. I tried not venting to my wife tonight as I see how negatively this has been affecting her, but I failed. She asked me, “Do you think you will ever be happy again?” Heartbroken I responded in one of my recent Mematic creations, “I believe in the possibility of happiness.” Pretty sad. Pathetic actually. Not sure I even know what happiness is anymore. She said that’s all she really wants is for me to be happy. Unfortunately that puts me in the position of not being able to give the woman I love the only thing she really wants.
Being happy is maybe not all that it’s cracked up to be. I think it more of a response to positive stimulus than an actual state of emotion. Maybe if I start focusing on the joy I feel inside of me I may start to at least start looking happier for her and the girls. Maybe if I start focusing on being grateful for all the love around me and start being a little more optimistic my attitude may improve and I won’t continue to look so unhappy. Because when you have a lot people counting on you looking a little happier is not too much to ask. Is it?
Maybe it’s time to actually write Sad Mad Bad Dad instead of just being one. Maybe write the kids version first drawing from my own personal experience growing up during the demise of DDD. The follow up with the adult version drawing from the experience of me pull my head out of my own ass once again.
Sounds like a plan to me.
AK

Believe in Happiness

The Colorado Zephyr

Last night on our drive home from Denver we past the California Zephyr Train just past Glenwood Springs. It was a special moment. Driving 80 miles an hour slowly overtaking the classic silver locomotive. It was dark but the windows of the train were all lit up. It was surreal ridding alongside the Silver Bullet. My daughters shared a story about their train ride from New York to Boston. Talked about napping on the train as they traveled through the rain and snow. Said it was the best possible way to travel. It was a fitting ending to our weekend adventure visiting family and friends in Denver.. It's memories like theses that make all the struggle traveling moore worth it.  

What Mom Said

Seeing Mom was great. She struggles with severe short-term memory loss and gets really confused, but she knows who she is and recognizes me. The idea of not being able to make new memories terrifies me, But this is a happy post so I will not dwell in the negative. My mom is happy. She had spent her entire life being happy happy. It’s something she would always say. Even named the boat Happy Happy, I sorta liked it, J hated it.

Anyway she’s happy.

I saw her Tuesday and Wednesday and it is now Saturday. I spent a lot of time in the solitude of traveling alone. Thought a lot about what she said. Thought a lot about everything. I been working on becoming more mindful. Being present. Being engaged. And I realized my mom had been focused and engaged. She listened to everything I’d said and wouldn’t remember any of it. Tomorrow she will not remember I was there. When we are talking about something she remembers she is completely engaged. When talking about tomorrow she concentrates and starts getting confused. So I let her drive the conversation and it went well. She talked about her and Dad watching all my sports games. She told me how proud my father was about what a special athlete and student I was. And how he so loved our wedding and he told her it was like being in Heaven. Or what he hoped Heaven would be like. It was great to hear. 

She said how much love and happiness I had brought into the family. She said she would not have known what to do whiteout me showing her how to move on with life after Karen died. I said no Mom it was you and Dad who helped us live on. The agenda was life and you and Dad lived it. And what a good life it is. She said you sound like your father. I told her people think I look like him. She said he had more hair.

She is in the moment and that is enough. 

Happy Dance

Blessed to have visited Mom twice this past week.

The first visit was just before lunch and the second a day later in the evening. During the second visit she started getting agitated because she could not remember anything from my previous visit. I told her to relax and not worry about it. I asked her to talk about something she did remember and she said, "I remember you were one of the most daring athletes in the world!" I said you must be remembering Dad? And she said, "No, he's the one who said it about you. After one of your games he said to me you are the most daring athletes he has ever seen on the football field." Wow. What else did he say about me? "He said he was afraid for you, not that you would get hurt, but that you would kill someone and he knew that would haunt you. He said you were fierce. He said you played best when someone made you angry. He would say Honey watch now because your son is about to unleash some rage. Whenever he would say this you would always do something spectacular."