A Sad Life

I talked to Chloe for some clarification of the last post. I told her what her mother had said about her weeping after reading my blog. I first asked if it was DDD? She said it was my Truth Is blog and she had read only one post because it was opened on my laptop. I asked did you really say it made you feel like I didn't love myself? She said, "No I don't think I said that, I think I said I wept because you lived such a sad life."

I have lived a sad life. What I have written has made my daughter weep, because the life I have written about is sad. A,sad,life.

I get it. There has been a tremendous amount of pain and grief in my life. I assured her that most of that is in the past, obviously, but I also married your mother in the past. And we have had you and your sisters and our dogs and have experienced more joy than I ever thought possible. True happiness. Grace of God Blessings from Heaven kind of joy that supersedes all the sadness of my life. Sadness doesn't go away. You know I often weep too. I cry when I think of who I've lost because I love them so much. I cry now for the joy they brought into the world and shared with me. It the past I would cry for being sad. Now I cry much more for being so happy, so blessed, so lucky. 

I want you to know this. I have a wonderful life. Happy and sad, rich and poor, there have been good times and bad, happy and sad, to me you are everything and this you should know, I'll follow you anywhere, wherever you go. Know that I love you. Know that I care. Together for ever forever I Swear.

In the last few days I have learned a lot about myself. There's a lot to love in me. I read this clip from the Dali Llama about if you cannot love yourself you can't love others. I thought I may be short changing those who I love by not taking the time and effort to love my self.

I love the dad I am. I am trying hard to be the man I've always wanted to be. I love the husband I am to my wife. I love what we've done to build this life. I love that I went back to school. I love that I write. I love that I breathe through the night while I sleep. I love all the memories in my head that I keep. I love I tell stories that can make someone weep. I love that my thinking is sometimes deep.

I guess I've always loved me. Not hard to see. Wear my heart on my sleeve. I love my dogs and they love me. I am as loyal to them as they are to me. This is a most wonderful way to be.

I love my wonderful life. I get to live with my wonderful wife. We live with our wonderful daughters and dogs. Right here right now, right here in this place, I love myself, I love His Grace. I am happy.

Do I love myself?

My wife said Chloe (my 13 year old) read your blog and it made her weep. I asked which blog? She said your blog. I assume this one. I realized the others are insignificant in comparison. But maybe my prayer blog or Truth Is? No, has to be this one.

Shot to my gut. Never felt this way about what I've been writing. I tried not to show it, but it really bothered me. I asked what she said. She said it made her weep. She started crying when she told her. What did she say?
She said it makes her feel like you don't love yourself.

I'm writing this because now I can't sleep. I'm thinking this might be it. My last post. Wow. Chloe's really smart. Brilliant. She loves me. She knows me. I'm afraid to even talk to her about it for clarification because she's right. I just never thought about it I guess. I love everyone. I love her so much, and her mother, and her sisters, and the dogs, everyone else too, passionately. But me. Do I love myself?

I wrote this blog to honor the legacy my father has left me and in doing so have exposed the most obvious character flaw I posess. I'm I'm I am at a loss. I don't know. I guess I never really thought what I wrote mattered. I never really thought about what I was doing. I think for once in my life I was doing something that brought clarity to my thinking, to my mind, and my past, but this, now I'm weeping.

Do I love myself? Right now, through my tears, best I can do is say I no longer hate myself. I've come a long way actually. I've been trying to forgive myself. My word for this year is forgiven. Seemed odd at the time when I declared it. Makes sense now I guess. It's a start.

OK, now what do I do? For now I guess I'll go write a prayer. That always helps me sleep. Maybe He can help me love me. Going forward I will focus more on my fiction and less about my past. Don't think I'll ever leave DDD for good, but for now maybe need a little break. Maybe go work on my relationship with me a bit. Come back when I can write with a voice that loves itself.

University of Maryland 1952 Sugar Bowl Champion Football Jersy

This is my dad's old jersey. He played in and won the 1952 Sugar Bowl! They went undefeated.

This jersey is 67 years old. I remember wearing it when I was kid and thought I would never be big enough to wear it right. It has a tail that wraps under between your legs and buttons to the front to keep it tucked in and make it hard to grab onto. After this selfie I went out into the living room and my 13 year old daughter said she loved it. Said she would steal it someday and of course told her she wouldn't have to, but I'm not ready to give it up just yet. She asked how did grandpa ever put pads under it and I shared her old man is 40 pounds bigger than her grandfather was back then.
Putting it on felt really good. Can't remember the last time I wore it. Maybe 20 years ago I dry-cleaned it with his letter jacket and letter sweater and they have been in my closet under plastic ever since. I'll share those too soon, but for now I need to join my wife and daughter in a new years eve domino game to ring out 2018 with style!

Dear Dad

I am feeling a little down tonight. Writing to you always seems to help me figure things out a bit. Kind of a little mental pick me up. Hope it works because not really sure what's wrong with me. Life is good. That's why I'm miffed about feeling so down. Guess I was riding pretty high after writing your book and now what I'm working on is falling apart. Seems like everything I do lately is C+ at best and I'm already starting to hear you in the back of my mind. "Good grades aren't everything Biddy-buddy. Trying to get good grades is what matters." God knows I tried. Guess I'm trying still. I saw a Lombardy quote the other day and totally thought of you, "Winning isn't everything. The desire to win is." I guess it's that desire to do something great that keeps me dissatisfied with my current performance. I really want to accomplish some extraordinary things in my life and right now I'm a good dad, ok husband, average in my job, a joke on the golf course, a slacker in the gym, in my creative pursuits frustrated, spiritually numb, intellectually dull. Listen to me. In self deprecation I am extraordinary! Maybe I can write myself out of this funk. Maybe. I am willing to try at least. I'm still trying to get good grades. Guess that's what matters. Thanks for being here Dad. Thanks for listening.

Love,

Biddy-buddy

Scopes from the Past

I visited my mom in her new assisted living apartment and she was really upset about not being able to find her charm bracelet. She was worried it had been stolen and full of anxiety that her new living arrangements may have been a bad move. She was sure it was stolen because my big brother had been there earlier in the day and turned the place upside down looking for it for her. I was sure it was only lost as the story she told about its disappearance didn’t make sense. We went to dinner and I was able to finally get her mind off of the darn bracelet. When we got back to her apartment I decided to search for it in hopes that I would see what my brother had missed. As I searched I came across a bunch of really cool stuff and pictures, but nothing as cool as these old Ocean City beach picture scopes from when I was little. One from when I was really little at the 94th Street condo we always rented before we got our house in Ocean Pines and the other from near our beach stand after Karen was gone. I was wondering out loud to my family about how I would like to post about them, but didn’t know how I could blowup the pictures. My ten year old, Mary, said she could do it and look at these incredible pictures she took through the scopes.

This post has a happy ending because in the last possible place I could look I found the bracelet. This made me feel not so guilty about taking the scopes and more comfortable about leaving my mom and heading home the next day. 

Pictures from Mom

Dear Dad

This blogger app continues to frustrate, it won’t allow me to switch to my other blog ipraytoGodmysoultokeep.blogspot.com so I can write a prayer. Silly of me I know as writing to You and praying to Him basically has morphed into the same thing. I know you taught me that prayer is private and something between God and myself and blogging my prayers is the antithesis of privacy, but when I go back and read them I feel the Spirit and know it is really the best thing I do. Like right now I am writing to You but feel that He is listening, and I know feeling is pretty darn wishywashy and all but it’s really one of my greatest strengths. Being so emotional has always been one of my greatest weaknesses and a source of great embarrassment and pain in my life, but I remember you telling me my passions and emotions were a gift. I told my daughters the very same thing several times and it amazes me when I hear your words coming out of my mouth. I have found that my greatest weakness turns out to be my one true superpower. I have decided to trust my feelings and have faith in myself to discern their meaning. I have finally accepted the fact I am actually pretty smart, but my real genius lies deeper and is only expressed when I share my true feelings and emotions. When I share something that truly moves me through writing a song or taking a picture or telling a story I find who I am truly meant to be. 

Please dear Heavenly Father bless my mom, Nancy with strength and wisdom to face her current challenges. Thank You for helping me find what she thought to be stolen. Please protect me and my family as we travel tomorrow and deliver us home safely. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

“The More You Do...

...something the easier it gets” DDD. While writing a speech for me in the sixth grade. At the time he didn’t know I couldn’t read. 

Crazy how I am starting to remember things that for the longest time were to traumatic think about.

Dear DDD

I did it Dad. I wrote and published your book. Hope you like it. I think I’ve been avoiding this post because I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I’m crying. Literally crying as I write this, but that’s OK. Honestly, I cry all the time. Seems like more and more recently, but that’s OK. I laugh a lot too. Sometimes I cry because I’m so happy. So grateful. You are the toughest man I have ever known and you showed me it’s OK to cry. Essential actually.
Your book came from Amazon a couple days ago and I read it cover to cover. I cried a lot while reading it. One of the most surreal moments of my life. Lots of typos and things I would’ve done different, but none of that mattered. I was holding in my hands a dream I have had since you died. The imperfections made it perfect.
As I was struggling with the final edits before submitting to KDP my wife passed by my office door. I remember in frustration saying it’s so imperfect and she said, "Better done than perfect." As usual she was right. What is perfect anyway? Does it even exist? I think perfection is a myth, a ghost. A place I’ve never been and now realize, thank God, don’t have to be.
As I was laying here not sleeping and decided to write the book I’ve been thinking about for a long time. It’s fictional, but based on my real life personal experiences. It will be a combination of two of my blogs; Sickfreakingnightmares.blogspot.com and Cpapmanlives.blogspot.com. It’s about a poor slob who’s life was spiraling out of control. His health was failing and he was making terrible decisions trying to cope with his many debilitating symptoms. The worst party was that he was loosing his mind
...so I wrote for two more hours and told you the whole story and this dumb blogger app I’m using lost it. Uhhhhhgggg... oh well, guess I’ll just have to write it for real. I’ll let you know when it’s done.
Love you Dad,
A

Strength and weakness...

...are tangled things. They look so much alike we confuse them like we confuse love and hate.