Cara, my niece gave me a pile of pictures from my sister's giant collection. This one I love because it has Karen in it. I don't have too many of those. With her long, straight, dark hair so beautiful.She was so tall like Carol. Since we are in Maryland it would be the last year of her life. She is sixteen. She had been battling leukemia since she was eight. I love her smile in this picture. We all look good. Glowing almost. I remember the necklace I'm wearing, bought it with my own money. Down at the beach, a shop on the Boardwalk, J was getting one so I wanted one too. I remember the big orange bead in the middle. Looking at Christi makes me smile. She is now a doctor, married to a doctor and they have eight babies of their own. Looking at this picture also makes me sad. Carol died from cancer two years ago, Karen died forty years ago. I've lost both my big sisters now. They were very special. I've been struggling since Carol's death.Grief's a bitch. Ignoring it doesn't work well for me anymore. I realize it ever really goes away. I've learned you just have to carry it until you build more strength to lift the new weight.
After Cara gave me the stack of photos I started flipping through them and came to some from my father's funeral. I was fine until I flipped to the one of me standing over the open casket and my Dad/ He looked wooden like a mummy and I quickly flipped past it. I lump stuck in my throat and my eyes swelled, but I was pretty much able to keep myself together. I'm not so good with grief. Kinda kicks my ass actually.
I am working with a very wise man on dealing with my grief. He said to put the focus on how they lived and let go thinking about how they died. Honor them. Memorialize them. It will help you move through your grief. So Here I go again. Back on DumbDumbDaddyo blogging. Carol should be easy to memorialize. I should be excited to let the mourning move along. But it isn't and I am not. Carol lived a huge life. A great life. But it's hard to do her justice. No words can really capture her greatness. The example she set. What she overcame. The love she created. What she taught me growing up. The legacy. The love. The loyalty. The way she could communicate. No one listened like her. The way she would focus on you. The way she could see you. The way she could read you. Utterly unique and truly awesome.
She was born April 16, 1957 nine years older than her littlest brother. When she was three she got spinal meningitis and had a 107 fever for three days, it almost killed her. She survived but lost her hearing and her ability to have children.So her childhood wasn't easy, but man was she ever a blessing to me.Thanks to her I had two Mom-mas!
