Sunday, December 21, 2014

The Love of My Father


I was reading the Bible and my Father spoke me. Beyond the words I was reading He spoke to me. In my heart I heard what he was saying all my life. He loved me. Reading the story of the Prodigal Son in the Book of Mark something wonderful happened. Something opened in me that I had not known  was closed. Something softened in me that I had not known was hard. I knew the parable well. Almost skipped it as I knew it so well after hearing the parable and reading it countless times. My first thought was there is no going home for me. I am home. My Father is dead. I am the father now. But I read. And then I read it again and could not stop the tears. Our Father loves me more than I ever had imagined possible. And nothing that I have ever done or will ever do will change that.

The parables of Jesus should not be taken lightly. This changes everything.

I now know there is love that is undeserved and unmerited. God's love. I spent my whole life trying to earn my Father's love. Even after his death I continue to work and achieve and excel and win in order to deserve the love He gave me. My Dad told me he loved me every day of my life. I thought it was because of all the wonderful things I did and accomplished. The trophies I brought home. The awards I brought home. The championships I had won. The scholarship I had earned and the degrees I had achieved. The things I did for him and Mom.

But when I failed or lost or shamed myself and our family he was always there for me. When I wrecked his brand new Cadillac on a joy ride downtown he told me it was only a car and that what mattered most was that I was alright and that I had come home to him. And when I was beaten by the police and arrested he believed in me.

This blog has been a journey. I started this blog because I love my DDD so much. I wanted to honor him. Not let his story fade to nothing. To remember him. To do something for him. To show him that I loved him. To merit his love. To try and earn what he had always given me for free.

This blog is no longer about how much I loved him. It is now about how much He loves me.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Bergdahl Flag



The Bergdahl Flag


My nephew Brandon sent us a flag from Afghanistan in gratitude for our support. We had sent some care packages and to his FB page I posted a song I had written and tried to sing. I had been inspired by a short Facetime call from Afghanistan while I was visiting his mom my sister Carol. She was fighting cancer. We were at the dinner table when his wife handed me her iPhone and there he was, "Hi Uncle Andy!" There was a plywood wall behind him. It was very early in morning there he gets up an hour early so every morning on Facetime he can make his three year old daughter laugh. 

"Hi Brandon." What do you say to man in a war zone? I said he looked great which he did and then asked what it was like there in Afghanistan? He said it's not so bad. Boring mostly. I asked what he was doing there? "Tearing it down Uncle Andy we 're tearing it all down." Before he could expand on this his daughter snatched the phone from me and ran from the table screaming ! Squealing maybe's a better word. I sat there a long time thinking hard on all the things I wish I had said to him. What I should have said to him. Not too long later his daughter came running back into the room with the phone and I thought I might get my chance but the phone was delivered to his mom. My sister pulls off her glasses and looks deep into the screen. No words just a long evaluative look at her beloved son for several seconds and then she lipped I love you and flashed the sign language sign for the same. The phone was delivered back to his wife and I was lost in the moment. In awe of her and him and their bravery and love and all that is great with America. At that moment I was so proud of my America I wanted to sing it out loud I wanted to sing about my Country I was American proud. 

First time in a long while. So I wrote it down. One morning I heard excerpts from President Obama's commencement speech at the Naval Academy, the most demotivational speech I'd ever heard. I wondered how our warriors in the field would feel hearing this nonsense from their commander and chief. I felt so strongly about it that I decided to at least do something for the one person I actually knew in a war zone so I went down by the River sang it and embarrassingly posted it to his FB. He said he loved it. If it was up to him he'd give it a Grammy. Said he showed it to everybody on base and that it had made his day. Months later he texted me he was sending us something in the mail and to look for it in the next few weeks.


Recently at his mothers funeral we where finally able to sit and talk and he asked if I knew the story of the flag they had sent me. I told the truth that I knew nothing. He got very excited and said that is a very special mission flag . 

I again asked him what he did there and he said it wasn't an official position but he was a mission facilitator and when teams where coming in and out he was responsible for everything from clearing the runway to getting them everything they needed to clear them for departure. He said one night was peculiar and unique and it was all Special Forces and by the end of the day it was known that the mission he had facilitated was the Bergdahl prisoner exchange. 

Being an infamous mission the mission flag was highly desired and many had submitted requests for it. Brandon said his Major settled all argument by saying send it to Brandon's Uncle. Said I may understand the significance of the mission. Said he really liked the song. Everybody liked it. It was from home.

So humbled so grateful so honored.



http://youtu.be/daRgueSQcOw?list=UU-IqOgasUgFSTc1kGV0I4GQ

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Carol's Funeral


My sister Carol's funeral was yesterday and today. What an honor to be her little brother. She leaves a legacy I do not deserve but will always cherish. I had the blessings of the two best big sisters ever and now they are together again in heaven. It's true you don't truly appreciate anything or anyone fully until they are gone. I am overwhelmed with emotion as I write this late at night in a hotel room in Phoenix with my three daughters and wife all asleep. My only time alone with my thoughts in days. I see so much of her in my daughters that it almost freaks me out. I see her genius expressed through them in three different ways. Passion, toughness, brightness, beauty, humor, whit, creativeness, brave, brilliance, sensitive, intuitive and a hell of a lot smarter than I could have ever hoped to be. My last days with her were a few weeks ago. I stayed with her over Labor Day and hung out with her and her family. We took a few naps together and once I woke up to see her staring at me and she smiled and said, "you look so much like Dad I wasn't sure there for a little while." Now I get it. It wasn't that she wasn't sure if it was me or him. It was that she wasn't sure if she was here or there. 

This has been really hard. Alone I would not have made it. Who am I kidding? I'm never alone.

Thank you God!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Veritas Vincit

Truth Conquers

The Keith motto, the territory was Aberdeenshire. The clan of Keith was a clan of warriors who can trace their roots back to the first century when Rome's legions forced them to flee their homes in Central Europe. They came to Scotland's far north coast via the Netherlands they sought a new life and security for the children. They achieved that and a great deal more. Keith warriors and their military pralis have been called on time and again. Throughout history the sons of the Highland Keiths have fought aggression and sought truth, freedom and liberty. 

DDD was a Marine in the Pacific Theater in WW II and went to battle on the gridiron with undeniable success and yet he never seemed particularly proud of the Keith name or have any inclination to ever speak of our Highland Scotish heritage. Maybe he just never knew, but he never talked much about the war or his football accomplishments either. He was always much more about being in the moment and living the now instead of talking and reliving the past.

Guess that makes him the real deal Highland Warrior. 

I'm reading the most recent Outlander book and the protagonist is a Highlander with exceptional skills of battle and leadership and George Washington has just commissioned him as a General in the Continental Army. This character while recounting advise from his father shared a moment where his dad said you will be tall and so men of lessor stature will always seek to test your metal. Learn to use the gifts God gave you to win justice and offer mercy. 

Not by a long shot was I ever the biggest guy in the room but that didn't matter.

DDD once told me Bigger, Faster, Stronger would be nice, but a will to win, to overcome the odds, a desire to succeed is the measure of a man not his size. The fire in your heart will commitment your mind to victory. 

Winning isn't everything the desire is.

Dunnotar Castle - Stonehaven, Scotland - William Wallace, Mary Queen of Scots, the Marquis of Montrose and the future King Charles II, all graced the Castle with their presence. Most famously though, it was at Dunnottar Castle that a small garrison held out against the might of Cromwell’s army for eight months. By the close of the 14th century, Dunnottar was firmly under Scottish control, under the Clan Keith.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

I love the beach

We only been here one night and it's the best vacation ever. Thank Homey for putting it together ! And for everything else too. Dana Point, CA 2014 !

Playing in the surf is 100% DDD. When Chloe said she liked my advice, "when in doubt go under!" In dealing with big surf ... He 'd say when a big wave is in your face go under, go over or stand your ground... Chloe added, "you could run away" i always liked to add, "or you could ride it !"




Thursday, June 5, 2014

My last summer in Maryland

Was pretty spectacular. I was living with parents in Ocean City Maryland. I was helping with my dad's physical therapy he was recovering from a second stroke. I was recovering from a broken heart. I was 20 something and the idea of living with my parents was not appealing but it turned into one of my best summers in Ocean City and that's saying something.

My DDD made unbelievable progress and he improved with every single work out. I've posted on this in the past. But something we talked about while stretching in the big hot tub at Sneakers has helped me in so many ways. I had mentioned that sometimes when I think of Karen it's hard for me to see her face. I think I was so young when she died that I don't remember what she looked like. He said, "bullshit you were plenty old enough to remember your sister. You just don't know how" He explained that you need to put what you are trying to remember in context. Once you remember the person in context or if you remember them doing something you liked to do with them you will see their face in that context. I remember at that moment I closed my eyes and there she is diving Grandma's giant Buick Electra 225 with the giant bench seat in the front I'm in the middle Carol on my right Karen on my Left we pull out going up hill on Masters Drive and Karen lays a patch of rubber fifty feet long! And bam that face I will never forget. 

When I think of my father I see him in the context of that day in the hot tub explaining how you can use context to remember things and people and places. You could use stories to remember things that otherwise may be forgotten. More importantly I remember the light going on simaltaniously for both of us. I could use my love of a good story, my love of context to overcome my pitiful lack of short term memory and embaressing short attention span and he could use context to rebuild his mind and bring order back to his shattered brain. He looked perfectly normal, for that moment, he was himself. When I told him about Karen and the Buick he laughed and laughed and said he remembered that too and that it was at that moment that he knew he was doing the right thing. I asked what he meant and he said early on he had decided that he was committed to helping Karen do whatever and experience whatever and accomplish anything that she wanted. First they said she had only months but she made it for tears. He said they started running out of things for her to accomplish, the piano her education, driving, her, her she always did want to waterski...we went from laughing to crying and then laughed again for crying. 

From there it was cake. All downhill so to speak. We'd workout, hit the hot tub for stretch and warm down and put our past and our lives back in context. I'd ask him questions about his past and he would ask me about my future. Within weeks he was back at work helping Mom run ADTSEA. It was at one of these hot tub sessions that he said, "Son don't take this the wrong way, but I don't need you no more. Thank you for all you've done. At the end of this season you should pick a place you have always wanted to live and go there and start living your wonderful life. So I moved to Aspen.

Emma and Mary

A good belly rub in the morning is a good way to start the day!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The Bishop Nightmare

Recently a ghost from my past resurfaced when dr bishop made the FBI Top Ten Most Wanted for the horrific murder of his family over 40 years ago. I was a classmate of one of his sons. I had just moved to Maryland from Cleveland. I I was nine or ten. Forth grade at Carderock Springs Elementry School. That same year my 16 year older sister died of leukemia. For most of my life this year of my life has been virtually a black hole of memories and energy. A few weeks ago another old classmate JJ posted a story on FB about the old memories that are regularly tweaked whenever the bad doctor was back in the news. Many of us shared and commented and comforted each other for the first time in a very long time. It was the first time I admitted to myself that it was an emotionally devastating year for me and I have spent nearly an entire life pretending not to remember it. And that this was a good thing.

I have always been annoyingingly emotional. I embarrass my kids because I am so easily moved to tears. Recently my eldest and I went to The Xmen's latest. She made fun of me a few days later saying you cried at Xmen Dad! I didn't remember crying but I probably did. Great movie! Set back in the Seventies kinda took me back in a cool way.

I have always thought there was something wrong with me. Well I guess there are a lot of things wrong with me, but now at least I own it. I understand it. And day by day I remember it. And that's ok.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

This really happened

about a year ago it became very hard for me to continue posting to DDD. A lot of memories of my childhood are very painful and when you start writing about the good times it's apparent to me that these wonderful memories are what shield us from the tragic. I couldn't stop tho because a fragment of the story kept begging to be told, however I couldn't remember it because DumbDumbDaddyo asked me to stop telling it. Now I wish maybe I hadn't remembered as an avalanche of unwanted memories have opened to me. The fragment is from the day before my sister died. We're in the family room watching Flipper and the phone rings. That shrill shrill ringing of a 1970s telephone. It startles my sister terribly. I answer the phone and can hear an enormous room. I say hello and only hear what sounds like a really big wedding reception or the murmurs of a giant cocktail party. My parents went to a lot of those so I waited listening thinking my father was calling so I say is that you dad and the noise slowly fades. I get no response and hang up. My sixteen year old big sister who has been battling leukemia for eight of them, I am nine, gets very upset and insists the call was for her and how could I possibly have hung up on him. I explain no one was there and try to get back to watching Flipper. The phone rings again and again and again then Flipper and the boy stop what they are doing and look right at me. I get up answer the phone and hear a vast quiet space. More than silence I heard nothing. I said hello and the receiver swallowed my words. I looked at my sister, there are tears in her eyes and I I must tell her again there is no one there. She said because he is calling me and you won't bring me the phone so I stretch the curly receiver cord and took her the dead sounding phone. I watched her have her first lucid conversation in a long time with someone who wasn't even there. She became very relaxed and laid back on the sofa chatting away like any other sixteen year old would talking with her best friend. She appears so normal I try to go back to watching Flipper again but the TV is off. As she is listening she looks at me and smiles. She is so beautiful with her really long really straight jet black hair that has so miraculously grown back (back then they weren't sure it would) and her flawless complection. Karen sits up and asks me to hang up the phone. As I'm putting the receiver back in the cradle I pick up again and hear more than nothing. Karen is happy but becomes very tired and the color leaves her face and as she is fading back into sleep she says, "He loves you, says you're gonna live a wonderful life." She died the next day before I got home from school.

The few times I did tell that story it didn't go well, the last time I told that story I was tagged "emotionally challanged" . My Dad said that he believed me and why wouldn't He call first before coming to pick you up. Maybe you should keep this between you and me BiddyBuddy most people think your sister was delusional. I didn't know what that meant but it sounded pretty bad. She had been through so much already and I didn't want to make it any worse. DDD always had a way of making things seem ok even when they weren't. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

First DDD post from iPhone

Love our new home in CO posting these photos makes me feel like the luckiest man on the face of the planet! DumbDumdDaddyO goes mobile!


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Telling It Like It Is

My Dad had a way of saying a volume of material with only a few words. It terrified me occasionally to be alone with him. He'd be driving me somewhere and ask something like, "you fool in' around with this girlfriend of yours?" I'm like 12. I would be literally speechless and he would continue with, "women are not toys, they are God's greatest gift to man. They are meant to be loved not played with. Cherish her or leave her be." Then awkward silence for the rest of the ride from Potomac to Pyle Jr. H.S.