Scopes from the Past

I visited my mom in her new assisted living apartment and she was really upset about not being able to find her charm bracelet. She was worried it had been stolen and full of anxiety that her new living arrangements may have been a bad move. She was sure it was stolen because my big brother had been there earlier in the day and turned the place upside down looking for it for her. I was sure it was only lost as the story she told about its disappearance didn’t make sense. We went to dinner and I was able to finally get her mind off of the darn bracelet. When we got back to her apartment I decided to search for it in hopes that I would see what my brother had missed. As I searched I came across a bunch of really cool stuff and pictures, but nothing as cool as these old Ocean City beach picture scopes from when I was little. One from when I was really little at the 94th Street condo we always rented before we got our house in Ocean Pines and the other from near our beach stand after Karen was gone. I was wondering out loud to my family about how I would like to post about them, but didn’t know how I could blowup the pictures. My ten year old, Mary, said she could do it and look at these incredible pictures she took through the scopes.

This post has a happy ending because in the last possible place I could look I found the bracelet. This made me feel not so guilty about taking the scopes and more comfortable about leaving my mom and heading home the next day. 

Pictures from Mom

Dear Dad

This blogger app continues to frustrate, it won’t allow me to switch to my other blog ipraytoGodmysoultokeep.blogspot.com so I can write a prayer. Silly of me I know as writing to You and praying to Him basically has morphed into the same thing. I know you taught me that prayer is private and something between God and myself and blogging my prayers is the antithesis of privacy, but when I go back and read them I feel the Spirit and know it is really the best thing I do. Like right now I am writing to You but feel that He is listening, and I know feeling is pretty darn wishywashy and all but it’s really one of my greatest strengths. Being so emotional has always been one of my greatest weaknesses and a source of great embarrassment and pain in my life, but I remember you telling me my passions and emotions were a gift. I told my daughters the very same thing several times and it amazes me when I hear your words coming out of my mouth. I have found that my greatest weakness turns out to be my one true superpower. I have decided to trust my feelings and have faith in myself to discern their meaning. I have finally accepted the fact I am actually pretty smart, but my real genius lies deeper and is only expressed when I share my true feelings and emotions. When I share something that truly moves me through writing a song or taking a picture or telling a story I find who I am truly meant to be. 

Please dear Heavenly Father bless my mom, Nancy with strength and wisdom to face her current challenges. Thank You for helping me find what she thought to be stolen. Please protect me and my family as we travel tomorrow and deliver us home safely. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

“The More You Do...

...something the easier it gets” DDD. While writing a speech for me in the sixth grade. At the time he didn’t know I couldn’t read. 

Crazy how I am starting to remember things that for the longest time were to traumatic think about.

Dear DDD

I did it Dad. I wrote and published your book. Hope you like it. I think I’ve been avoiding this post because I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I’m crying. Literally crying as I write this, but that’s OK. Honestly, I cry all the time. Seems like more and more recently, but that’s OK. I laugh a lot too. Sometimes I cry because I’m so happy. So grateful. You are the toughest man I have ever known and you showed me it’s OK to cry. Essential actually.
Your book came from Amazon a couple days ago and I read it cover to cover. I cried a lot while reading it. One of the most surreal moments of my life. Lots of typos and things I would’ve done different, but none of that mattered. I was holding in my hands a dream I have had since you died. The imperfections made it perfect.
As I was struggling with the final edits before submitting to KDP my wife passed by my office door. I remember in frustration saying it’s so imperfect and she said, "Better done than perfect." As usual she was right. What is perfect anyway? Does it even exist? I think perfection is a myth, a ghost. A place I’ve never been and now realize, thank God, don’t have to be.
As I was laying here not sleeping and decided to write the book I’ve been thinking about for a long time. It’s fictional, but based on my real life personal experiences. It will be a combination of two of my blogs; Sickfreakingnightmares.blogspot.com and Cpapmanlives.blogspot.com. It’s about a poor slob who’s life was spiraling out of control. His health was failing and he was making terrible decisions trying to cope with his many debilitating symptoms. The worst party was that he was loosing his mind
...so I wrote for two more hours and told you the whole story and this dumb blogger app I’m using lost it. Uhhhhhgggg... oh well, guess I’ll just have to write it for real. I’ll let you know when it’s done.
Love you Dad,
A