A Sad Life

I talked to Chloe for some clarification of the last post. I told her what her mother had said about her weeping after reading my blog. I first asked if it was DDD? She said it was my Truth Is blog and she had read only one post because it was opened on my laptop. I asked did you really say it made you feel like I didn't love myself? She said, "No I don't think I said that, I think I said I wept because you lived such a sad life."

I have lived a sad life. What I have written has made my daughter weep, because the life I have written about is sad. A,sad,life.

I get it. There has been a tremendous amount of pain and grief in my life. I assured her that most of that is in the past, obviously, but I also married your mother in the past. And we have had you and your sisters and our dogs and have experienced more joy than I ever thought possible. True happiness. Grace of God Blessings from Heaven kind of joy that supersedes all the sadness of my life. Sadness doesn't go away. You know I often weep too. I cry when I think of who I've lost because I love them so much. I cry now for the joy they brought into the world and shared with me. It the past I would cry for being sad. Now I cry much more for being so happy, so blessed, so lucky. 

I want you to know this. I have a wonderful life. Happy and sad, rich and poor, there have been good times and bad, happy and sad, to me you are everything and this you should know, I'll follow you anywhere, wherever you go. Know that I love you. Know that I care. Together for ever forever I Swear.

In the last few days I have learned a lot about myself. There's a lot to love in me. I read this clip from the Dali Llama about if you cannot love yourself you can't love others. I thought I may be short changing those who I love by not taking the time and effort to love my self.

I love the dad I am. I am trying hard to be the man I've always wanted to be. I love the husband I am to my wife. I love what we've done to build this life. I love that I went back to school. I love that I write. I love that I breathe through the night while I sleep. I love all the memories in my head that I keep. I love I tell stories that can make someone weep. I love that my thinking is sometimes deep.

I guess I've always loved me. Not hard to see. Wear my heart on my sleeve. I love my dogs and they love me. I am as loyal to them as they are to me. This is a most wonderful way to be.

I love my wonderful life. I get to live with my wonderful wife. We live with our wonderful daughters and dogs. Right here right now, right here in this place, I love myself, I love His Grace. I am happy.

Do I love myself?

My wife said Chloe (my 13 year old) read your blog and it made her weep. I asked which blog? She said your blog. I assume this one. I realized the others are insignificant in comparison. But maybe my prayer blog or Truth Is? No, has to be this one.

Shot to my gut. Never felt this way about what I've been writing. I tried not to show it, but it really bothered me. I asked what she said. She said it made her weep. She started crying when she told her. What did she say?
She said it makes her feel like you don't love yourself.

I'm writing this because now I can't sleep. I'm thinking this might be it. My last post. Wow. Chloe's really smart. Brilliant. She loves me. She knows me. I'm afraid to even talk to her about it for clarification because she's right. I just never thought about it I guess. I love everyone. I love her so much, and her mother, and her sisters, and the dogs, everyone else too, passionately. But me. Do I love myself?

I wrote this blog to honor the legacy my father has left me and in doing so have exposed the most obvious character flaw I posess. I'm I'm I am at a loss. I don't know. I guess I never really thought what I wrote mattered. I never really thought about what I was doing. I think for once in my life I was doing something that brought clarity to my thinking, to my mind, and my past, but this, now I'm weeping.

Do I love myself? Right now, through my tears, best I can do is say I no longer hate myself. I've come a long way actually. I've been trying to forgive myself. My word for this year is forgiven. Seemed odd at the time when I declared it. Makes sense now I guess. It's a start.

OK, now what do I do? For now I guess I'll go write a prayer. That always helps me sleep. Maybe He can help me love me. Going forward I will focus more on my fiction and less about my past. Don't think I'll ever leave DDD for good, but for now maybe need a little break. Maybe go work on my relationship with me a bit. Come back when I can write with a voice that loves itself.