Sorry Dad

Looks like this is my 200th post and I still don't know what I am trying to say. I'm sorry, the last couple letters to you have been a little unfair as you died nearly thirteen years ago. It's unfair because as I write them I sort of intuit your response to my prose and tho I look like you I know I will never be you. You never were predicable. In fact, you surprised me all the time with your reactions and responses to me and my situations and actions. I always thought I knew how you were going to react or respond, but rarely was I right. 

I see a lot of me in Kayla. She is always harder on herself than I would ever be. I think that was the way it was with you and me too. I always wanted to be great for you. I always wanted to win. To be the best. And now as I look back and hear what you were saying to me and see how you were when with me, you only wanted me to be me. The me I wanted to be. I wish now that I knew this then, but I didn't know who I was. I know more than anything you and mom just wanted me to be happy, so that is the one thing I always tried to show you I was. Unfortunately, it's the one thing that never came easy to me. To this day I struggle with being happy. I'm really good at looking really happy, but the people who really get to know me always seam to worry about me. Fortunately I've figured it out. 

You cannot try to be happy. You cannot seek happiness. If you do you will never find it. It's a lot like love. You have to learn to let it happen. You have to be good with yourself when it doesn't. You must learn to be OK when it isn't. You must give love when you are not getting it. You must allow joy to follow sorrow. You must welcome happiness even when you are sad. I have learned to get out of the way and let it happen. I forgive myself more easily and when I do I accept my apologies and live on. Life. Thank you for mine.

As this is my 200th post I may be taking some time before I post again. I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever got here I would take the time to go back and clean this puppy up. It's a little scary, but I plan to go back to the beginning and edit DDD. I hope it to be a labor of love. I'll let you know when I am done. I'll let you know when I am happy happy!

Hi Dad,

Thought you'd enjoy this picture. If Mary isn't a chip off the old block then I don't know what one is. This was at my birthday brunch this past Spring. Mary busting out the old rabbit ears on her old man is classic DDD. 

Here are a few more of the fam.

Dear Pops,

I miss you. I wish you were here. I started a new blog. It's called I pray to God my soul to keep. Been kind of magical what this blog has done for me. Hard to explain, but let's just say it's been good for me. One of my posts started out with Dear Dad, figured you'd understand as he's your dad too. It helped me talk with God more comfortably as my love for you makes it easier to understand His love for me. It also made me wonder about grandpa Keith, if you and him have reconciled. I hope you have forgiven him. I hope grandma has forgiven him too. You two deserve to be free and someday when I join you maybe you could introduce us. I think there is a lot of him in me and I think those are the parts of me I find hard to love. But, without him, neither of us would be who we are today. So do me a favor and send him my regards and tell him you love him. Send my regards to grandpa Penrose and Grace, and your mother too. Of course give Carol and Karen my love and let them know I think of each of them every single day. I am the luckiest  man alive to have had them as big sisters and look forward to seeing them again some day. Having three daughters I get to see parts of them in their eyes and looks and ways. I know they know all this, but tell them anyways and hug them for me. So I'm getting a little sleepy so I'll close while I still have the energy to get up and turn off the Christmas lights before I fall asleep. Sure thought a lot about you as I was putting them up. Someday I'll do it like you used to. I remember you doing all the blue and green lights and using a staple gun to hang them all. I'm surprised I haven't done a DDD post about you and Christmas. Or about back in Cleveland when you would always build a big ice skating rink in the back yard. Guess there's still time for all of that, but not tonight. 

Love always,

A

There ain't no cure for stupid

This is something my DDD would say after he did something stupid. He'd tell us to call him Dumbdumbdaddyo if he did something dumb, but if he did something really stupid he'd come out with, "Well there you go. Guess there ain't no cure for stupid!"

I was talking with my wife the other day trying to explain how I felt at work. Seemed like, lately, I couldn't do anything right. I had been feeling really down and said, "I don't know. Guess there ain't no cure for stupid." She got really upset. In fact, she got a little angry. Said, "You are not stupid!" She said I was one of the smartest people she knows. She really set me straight. I kinda felt bad for insulting her husband. Marrying Suzy is definitely the smartest thing I have ever done. Proves a lot about me.

So I've been thinking a lot about this and I think being stupid is a lot like being crazy. Crazy people don't think they are crazy. So if I actually was stupid would I even know it? Makes me think of Forest Gump, when he's talking to Bubba's mom and says, "Momma always used to tell me, 'Stupid is is stupid does!'" And she agrees with a look that says yes-um. Anyway. If my dad were here and he was to bust out the ole, "Guess there ain't no cure for stupid." I'd set him straight. I'd tell him there may be no cure, but there are many very effective treatments.

First, do smart things. Second, learn from your mistakes. Read a lot. Acquire knowledge and through experience gain wisdom. Earn an education. Explore what interests you. Ask questions. If it takes you more time to learn things than other people, then take more time and learn it well. Hard work is the greatest teacher there is. Play games. Learn how to win. Be humble with your gifts. Be proud of the gifts of those who love you. Endure the brilliance of others. Appreciate the intelligence of your friends. Know that to love and to be loved is the smartest way to live. I know you taught me all these things Dad, but most of all, do not say stupid things. Unless you are trying to be funny.

Guess I'm just a chip off the old Dumbdumbdaddyo after all. Not afraid to sound stupid, but smart enough to own it when you are.